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[ it takes her a few minutes just to read it. she keeps losing track, tears welling up in eye after eye after eye and blurring her vision from a dozen different angles. but what he's trying to say is as clear as day.

it still takes her another thirty seconds to gather herself up enough to start typing. ]

i'm not a good person
but thank you anyway.
it means a lot that you think that.

[ she doesn't address large chunks of it. how could she? it's clear they're sensitive topics. he mentions his dad, and even though it's alien to her - the idea that the devil would just, hurt someone like that, and take them away instead of giving them everything they could be - she tries to listen. she tries to understand just what it is akira is going through. she's not any closer when she finishes, but at least she knows now. ]

maybe this is just another thing this place does.
we're all from different worlds already, right?
maybe demons are actually as bad as everyone says, where you're from
maybe angels are the good things in life and devils are the bad.
but that's what people say where i'm from, too.
and plenty of good people do terrible, awful things.
things i can't even think about.

is it really just demons that hurt people?
are you sure people really change that much?
did you change that much?

[ and she nearly leaves it at that. it's a lot to ask. but there's one last part she has to ask, because it's not right to leave off without it- ]

is losing control something you worry about?

is it something i can help with?

I always get the feeling it's the mark of a good person to say something like that

[It wasn't just being some paragon, someone who never made mistakes, someone who never felt the dire impulses of base, petty, aggressive insinuations unbidden from somewhere within them. It was easy to assume that that was the core and essence of their being, that actively fighting such impulse and plastering over it with kindness that felt like a shoddy veneer was merely being deceitful.

But no one was perfect. What made a good person was self-awareness to see themselves at their worst and a conviction to try to be at their best. He struggles at that, too, and he still thinks of himself along the same lines that she does.]

maybe
I don't really think I've met a legitimate angel or devil
besides you, anyways
but yeah. people aren't usually that easy to pigeonhole, are they?
I guess it doesn't matter what kind of heart you have, it's more what's in it and what you do about it

[Those questions, though -

They tear at him. Ryo is asleep in the room, and so he cages the feelings within him, only allowing the silent streams of tears and not the choking sobs that wanted to chase after them. It hurt, aching in his chest.

His mind's eye plays it on a loop, the images of people shooting one another in the streets, frenzied by paranoia that the demons were among them, that they would do the same or worse. This isn't supposed to be what happened. He sniffs quietly, turning his face into his pillow to clear away some of the tears. They were supposed to come together, not tear apart.

Maybe people weren't what he thought they were, but... if that was true, what did he have left? What was the point of it all? What had they done?

No communication is sent from Akira for a while before he gathers enough composure to respond.]

I dont know, venus
I really dont

[For once he finds himself really happy no one could see him cry.]

sometimes
sometimes I zone out and when I come to I'm about to do something really awful and I don't know why
I've been able to stop myself, but
I do worry

I don't know
it was easier to deal with back home
I
uh

[The fact that she'd elicited some shred of empathy in him for demons needles at him, and he can't say it the way he usually would have.]

I fight a lot more back home. that usually helped a little

or an honest one. haha

and
i think you're an honest person.
maybe not a good one? but that's good.
good people are usually kind of insufferable?
i'm glad you're not like that. you're too nice to be good

[ this is a dumb thing to offer. it's really dumb. but maybe it's what he needs. ]

you probably can't fight much here, right?
i mean, the devil's pretty strong.
a regular human probably couldn't do anything against you.

I think we got different experiences with good people but uh
thanks

[What kinda world has shitty good people in it? If that's the case, what's the alternative? He's starting to think maybe he'd just been projecting, to think they were from the same type of situation. Her world seems increasingly weird.]

not really
ryo thinks it's a bad idea to let people on to what I am
which I guess I agree with, even if it's a hassle
so even if I got to fight I'd have to appear human which means I can't really do much of anything

[Sometimes he feels like too much of something stuffed into entirely too small of a skin. Being able to at least transform a little today had been nice, in a way; being able to let out his wings, sharpen his claws. Now he's back to feeling pent-up again.

And being able to go full Devilman was pretty much completely off the table. A disappointment.]

maybe? i don't know.
good's just kind of overloaded as a word. haha

[ she takes a moment to think about what she's saying. and she can think of a lot of reasons to not say it? but... none of them are as compelling as helping akira out.

so there's another pause, much smaller, before- ]

so...
you'd probably only be able to fight another devil. right?

guess that makes sense

[Kind of?

He actually didn't catch the direction of her conversation until she continues. He's - suddenly a little anxious...]

uh
well yeah but
I dont know venus I mean I dont really think I'm great at holding back and I'm usually like
tearing stuff apart with my hands
I just dont want to hurt you or anything

i totally get you?
i mean. i don't GET you get you.
i've never really been much for fighting to begin with? haha
but i know how to do it. and i'm definitely a way better choice for it than like
human mchumanperson?
which is a totally real name and not something i just made up.

and i don't mean this to be rude but honestly
you'd have to try pretty hard to tear me apart?
i'm a lot stronger than i look, like this.
i don't really want to hurt you either but
you're saying it's hard to keep under control, right?
maybe it's like exercise. you just need to get it out every now and then

yeah, pretty much the same for me
cant say I wouldve been any good in a fight before, but now...

haha yeah
I'm sure youre WAY better than human mchumanperson
from what I hear that guys kind of a shithead anyway

[There is a pause.]

well
if you think youre up to it, I'm not gonna say no
hell, devils might be stronger than demons. you might kick my ass

[Vastly preferable to the other alternatives.]

i got trained to fight, actually!
like. not very well? it was just sort of a crappy summer camp.
but the summer scouts were supposed to teach us how to take on the devil
except i sort of became her instead??
whoops?????

i don't know for sure if i'm up to it
but it's worth a try. :)
i trust you, so...
you know?

oh
well youre already better off than me
fighting just kinda came with the whole demon thing in my case

...what kinda summer camp did you go to if they were teachin you to fight the devil?

...yeah its worth a try
and if it turns out to be too much we can stop immediately
I'm not gonna let myself hurt you I promise

oh wow. i'm pretty sure the demon thing just came with the whole. wings, and eyes, and glowy bits.
and i mean, all the. other body changes.
which, like. hell yes??
sometimes i still feel shitty about it but i look so much better than i ever have.

i believe you. and i won't hurt you either.
that's a promise, okay?
we can both stop at any time.

yeah it definitely came with all of that stuff too
it was kind of a two-for-one deal
its definitely got its perks
you shouldnt feel shitty about it though. if you feel better as the devil then hell yeah, who gives a shit

[Jury's still kinda out on Akira. There's a lot of things he likes about this body. He likes the fact that he can actually do things to help Ryo, that he can fight and protect him. But he doesn't like a lot of the caveats, the frustrations and the destructive tendencies that seem to come part and parcel with it.]

you shoulda seen me before I ended up like this
I think I probably weighed like 100 pounds soaking wet

[Too bad he doesn't have pictures.]

youre right
ok
well whenever you wanna have a go at it just let me know
itll be cool to be able to say I've fought with the devil

wow.
i don't think i bulked up or down at all??
it just sort of... went different places.
you know.

and let's do it.
like, right now.

okay maybe not right now.
but i'll definitely hit you up later??
i promise.
as long as i don't forget.

...yeah, I know the feeling

[Because something similar happened with him, just. Y'know.]

oh
ok yeah sure
I'll look forward to it
bc hey it might end up being really fun!

[He'll just be super optimistic about it.]

yeah!
i never really thought fighting was all that fun...
but that was when i was human, you know?
maybe things are different now.
i mean. they sort of have to be??

i'm looking forward to it :)

even if its not usually, hopefully we can make it fun at least
youre right though. humans kinda suck at fighting
but demons and devils do it best

ok venus
I'll see you then

yeah. see you then!

[ and then we skip to a different thread where they're actually gonna beat the shit out of each other WHOOPS ]

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"stop stabbing yourself" i whisper softly

this is long oops

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