wingstosee | ic inbox (reverie)

[And that's where their paths diverged: claiming ownership over the demon that tried to do the same to you wasn't the same as welcoming the devil, because one was a struggle and the other was an acceptance, the act of stepping into what one was truly meant to be outside of the expectations of society. That wasn't Akira's case. He kept chained and bound a beast that would prefer destroy and defile everything it could, and it was only through the strength of his heart that he kept it subdued to little more than chattering impulses in the back of his brain, easily drowned-out by the compass in the core of his chest steering him towards what he thought was right.

It wasn't always that easy though.]

it's all about controlling it I guess
I don't really think there's any way to get rid of it

[He'd learned pretty quick the only way to quiet the urges was to sate them. Tearing demons apart in the middle of the night had helped, but it's a beast of a different breed here.]

did you really feel that way?
when I became like this I just...
I don't know. I don't think it's like, I'm gone, or I was destroyed or anything. but it's like I was mixed up with something else and now it's all so tangled up I don't know what was me originally or what might've been something else
I guess I'm happy that I'm "me" enough? or, that I'm "me" enough for people to still recognize me
but idk. it feels weird sometimes

yeah
he's fine
he slept a bit but then he went back to normal

[Thank fuck.

He's about to tell her that it was strange, how he'd acted, that he wasn't usually like that, but he pauses at the question. It... well, yeah. She'd think it was the first time, wouldn't she?]

oh
no he's seen me like that a bunch of times
honestly he's seen me a lot worse. I... I can get a lot bigger and meaner-looking than that

yeah. i absolutely felt it.
if anything it's like, i'm more me than i ever was before?
everything was holding me back, and now
nothing has to.
i'm me and it's amazing.
i want people to see me? i want people to look at me like this.
i'm not really used to that feeling.

[ and she'd write more about that except something more important is going down excuse her- ]

he's seen you already??
so like
he. knows???

[ THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING???? ]

that... sounds nice
really nice
mine
doesn't feel nice like that
but I'm happy for you

[Maybe she's just a lot better at this than he is? Or her heart is stronger? Or her demon was just a lot more better-natured than his? He doesn't know.

Anyways, he wasn't expecting this to be so weird, but he guesses he can see why.]

yeah
he's known since the beginning, he was there
I think we both kinda knew that something like this might happen?
well, not exactly, but kinda
you don't go hunting down demons without thinking something might go wrong

oh. i'm sorry.
that sounds... really hard. :(
i wish i could change things for you
make them easier, you know?

[ -wait hold up ]

wait
why were you looking for demons?

thanks
I can handle it most of the time
it just kinda sucks
I either... wanna break everything or cry my eyes out. or both
it's just kinda exhausting after a while

[He wishes Amon paid rent.]

we had to find out more about them
and catch them on camera so we could reveal them to the world
otherwise they were just gonna keep hurting people in secret and we couldn't let that happen

i mean... yeah
testosterone will do that. haha. it's kind of messed up like that.

[ what ]

um
what sort of things
were you trying to reveal to the world?
i'm sorry, i don't want to assume anything...
but you were just saying you kept yourself hidden
and it seems really awful if you didn't give that same privilege to others :(

[pause . . .]

yeah I guess so

[Thanks, Venus.]

uhhh
I mean, shit, this is something you'd be better off asking ryo
demons were possessing and killing people and no one knew so we were trying to let people know
so... people could fight against the demons I guess?

[There are honestly portions of the plan that he's hazy on. He just trusts that Ryo's got it all figured out.]

huh?
well yeah but
I mean these... they were demons. they weren't human anymore, their hearts were gone
all they care about is hurting and killing people
so yeah I'd want to make sure people could defend themselves against that
but dont you get that? you got possessed and you're still you. it's different for us
but other people might not see it that way so I keep myself hidden
otherwise they might think I'm just another demon when I'm not

[there's a lot to unpack here]

i'm pretty sure ryo wouldn't want to tell me? haha.
besides i'd kind of rather talk to you about it.
it's different talking to someone else who gets it.

[ except it's rapidly becoming clear that maybe that isn't what's happening. she fights down the initial surge of mortified anger when she sees those words - fight against the demons, weren't human anymore, possessed - and tries to reason things out. surely he means something else, right? or he's from a different universe?

but the problem is, she's never been the greatest at thinking. so she gives up barely a minute in, just typing out- ]

you sound like my mom.

[ it's a helpless expression of everything she's feeling at once, wrapped up into almost a joke. but it's not a joke, is it? it's real, it's terrifyingly and frighteningly real. ]

hey akira
what does it mean to be a devil to you?

he...
I meant to tell you he's usually not that way. I've actually never seen him like that
something weird mustve happened but he couldnt even tell me what
but uh. okay. I'll try my best

[He's just the brawn in their operation, he leaves all the brains to Ryo.

(Except when his heart interferes and he deviates from the plan. And that's why, back home on a rooftop in Tokyo, Koda is still alive.)

He doesn't really have any idea what she means by that. It's a bit of a kneejerk reaction of his to recoil a bit, to feel a vague pressure upon a wound of his own that was still quite raw but which he was also entirely and purposefully ignoring, unable to comprehend the gravity of it yet.

All he knows is that he doesn't think it sounds like a good thing, and one he doesn't understand. Because he assumes her mom wasn't really involved in fighting demons.

He doesn't know how to respond, so he doesn't. The additional question at first seems like a lifeline, but then he questions that too. Because it wasn't exactly right?]

I'm a devilman, not a devil

[He would add this is all how Ryo explained it, but he gets the feeling she doesn't want to hear about Ryo again right now.]

I mean I dont really know
I've got the heart of a human and the body of a demon and I've already told you how it feels sometimes
but beyond that, well
before all this happened to me I barely ever stood up for myself, I could barely do anything, I could barely help anyone
and now I can, and I do, and it felt really great at first but sometimes it gets kinda out of hand
...is that what you wanted to know?

[Because he's still confused.]

[ devilman? it's a word she's never even heard, but it's one she can put together easily enough. it means he doesn't think of himself as the devil. no, it's more than that- he knows the devil is there in him, and he hates the idea of accepting it.

his devil isn't acceptance at all. it's anger.

there's silence from her end. seconds tick by, then minutes. and finally, a good ten minutes after akira sent his message, she manages: ]

yeah.
that's all i really needed to know.

i guess you should probably know something?
and it's... we're not as alike as i thought
i was kind of hoping we were? haha.
it's not like that at all though.
i'm not like that.

my heart's not human.
and i'm not a devilman.
i'm a devil.
and it feels like you deserve to know that.

[ it's not his fault. she misunderstood what was going on the whole time - that's squarely on her.

doesn't really make it hurt any less, though. ]

sorry.
i hope this doesn't change things too much.

[Sometimes that's what the devil is. It's just an inbound instinct and impulse to destroy and defile everything you saw, and that's what he would've done if what remained of his human heart didn't hold him back.

He waits. He can't sleep, not after this. He's still confused, wondering what it was that he said wrong.

When the communicator buzzes he almost doesn't want to look at it, but he does.

Now it's his time to not respond, digesting the turn in the conversation for several minutes and then, with a painstaking slow speed at first (but one that gradually increases as he continues), begins to peck out his response.]

that doesnt matter to me venus

you cried for me the first time you met me
you're nice and kind and funny, you care about things and wanna try to make them better, however you can
I dont really understand how exactly things are different but
the demons I've seen aren't like that
when they take a person over, all the good that person ever had is gone
they do what they want and they don't care who they hurt. hell, most of em seem to love it
and even when you
really hope that there's something left in them that cares
that's the way that you remember it
there's not
there wasn't anything left in my dad when I
and after what he'd done

[The raw wound he keeps carefully out of his field of vision pulses painfully.]

you may be the devil or whatever but you're not like them
I didn't know you before you were like this but it must've either kept you the way you were inside or just made you kinder
but demons arent like that
and that's what I am, or at least a part of me
and you deserve to know exactly what that means too

[ it takes her a few minutes just to read it. she keeps losing track, tears welling up in eye after eye after eye and blurring her vision from a dozen different angles. but what he's trying to say is as clear as day.

it still takes her another thirty seconds to gather herself up enough to start typing. ]

i'm not a good person
but thank you anyway.
it means a lot that you think that.

[ she doesn't address large chunks of it. how could she? it's clear they're sensitive topics. he mentions his dad, and even though it's alien to her - the idea that the devil would just, hurt someone like that, and take them away instead of giving them everything they could be - she tries to listen. she tries to understand just what it is akira is going through. she's not any closer when she finishes, but at least she knows now. ]

maybe this is just another thing this place does.
we're all from different worlds already, right?
maybe demons are actually as bad as everyone says, where you're from
maybe angels are the good things in life and devils are the bad.
but that's what people say where i'm from, too.
and plenty of good people do terrible, awful things.
things i can't even think about.

is it really just demons that hurt people?
are you sure people really change that much?
did you change that much?

[ and she nearly leaves it at that. it's a lot to ask. but there's one last part she has to ask, because it's not right to leave off without it- ]

is losing control something you worry about?

is it something i can help with?

I always get the feeling it's the mark of a good person to say something like that

[It wasn't just being some paragon, someone who never made mistakes, someone who never felt the dire impulses of base, petty, aggressive insinuations unbidden from somewhere within them. It was easy to assume that that was the core and essence of their being, that actively fighting such impulse and plastering over it with kindness that felt like a shoddy veneer was merely being deceitful.

But no one was perfect. What made a good person was self-awareness to see themselves at their worst and a conviction to try to be at their best. He struggles at that, too, and he still thinks of himself along the same lines that she does.]

maybe
I don't really think I've met a legitimate angel or devil
besides you, anyways
but yeah. people aren't usually that easy to pigeonhole, are they?
I guess it doesn't matter what kind of heart you have, it's more what's in it and what you do about it

[Those questions, though -

They tear at him. Ryo is asleep in the room, and so he cages the feelings within him, only allowing the silent streams of tears and not the choking sobs that wanted to chase after them. It hurt, aching in his chest.

His mind's eye plays it on a loop, the images of people shooting one another in the streets, frenzied by paranoia that the demons were among them, that they would do the same or worse. This isn't supposed to be what happened. He sniffs quietly, turning his face into his pillow to clear away some of the tears. They were supposed to come together, not tear apart.

Maybe people weren't what he thought they were, but... if that was true, what did he have left? What was the point of it all? What had they done?

No communication is sent from Akira for a while before he gathers enough composure to respond.]

I dont know, venus
I really dont

[For once he finds himself really happy no one could see him cry.]

sometimes
sometimes I zone out and when I come to I'm about to do something really awful and I don't know why
I've been able to stop myself, but
I do worry

I don't know
it was easier to deal with back home
I
uh

[The fact that she'd elicited some shred of empathy in him for demons needles at him, and he can't say it the way he usually would have.]

I fight a lot more back home. that usually helped a little

or an honest one. haha

and
i think you're an honest person.
maybe not a good one? but that's good.
good people are usually kind of insufferable?
i'm glad you're not like that. you're too nice to be good

[ this is a dumb thing to offer. it's really dumb. but maybe it's what he needs. ]

you probably can't fight much here, right?
i mean, the devil's pretty strong.
a regular human probably couldn't do anything against you.

I think we got different experiences with good people but uh
thanks

[What kinda world has shitty good people in it? If that's the case, what's the alternative? He's starting to think maybe he'd just been projecting, to think they were from the same type of situation. Her world seems increasingly weird.]

not really
ryo thinks it's a bad idea to let people on to what I am
which I guess I agree with, even if it's a hassle
so even if I got to fight I'd have to appear human which means I can't really do much of anything

[Sometimes he feels like too much of something stuffed into entirely too small of a skin. Being able to at least transform a little today had been nice, in a way; being able to let out his wings, sharpen his claws. Now he's back to feeling pent-up again.

And being able to go full Devilman was pretty much completely off the table. A disappointment.]

maybe? i don't know.
good's just kind of overloaded as a word. haha

[ she takes a moment to think about what she's saying. and she can think of a lot of reasons to not say it? but... none of them are as compelling as helping akira out.

so there's another pause, much smaller, before- ]

so...
you'd probably only be able to fight another devil. right?

guess that makes sense

[Kind of?

He actually didn't catch the direction of her conversation until she continues. He's - suddenly a little anxious...]

uh
well yeah but
I dont know venus I mean I dont really think I'm great at holding back and I'm usually like
tearing stuff apart with my hands
I just dont want to hurt you or anything

i totally get you?
i mean. i don't GET you get you.
i've never really been much for fighting to begin with? haha
but i know how to do it. and i'm definitely a way better choice for it than like
human mchumanperson?
which is a totally real name and not something i just made up.

and i don't mean this to be rude but honestly
you'd have to try pretty hard to tear me apart?
i'm a lot stronger than i look, like this.
i don't really want to hurt you either but
you're saying it's hard to keep under control, right?
maybe it's like exercise. you just need to get it out every now and then

yeah, pretty much the same for me
cant say I wouldve been any good in a fight before, but now...

haha yeah
I'm sure youre WAY better than human mchumanperson
from what I hear that guys kind of a shithead anyway

[There is a pause.]

well
if you think youre up to it, I'm not gonna say no
hell, devils might be stronger than demons. you might kick my ass

[Vastly preferable to the other alternatives.]

i got trained to fight, actually!
like. not very well? it was just sort of a crappy summer camp.
but the summer scouts were supposed to teach us how to take on the devil
except i sort of became her instead??
whoops?????

i don't know for sure if i'm up to it
but it's worth a try. :)
i trust you, so...
you know?

oh
well youre already better off than me
fighting just kinda came with the whole demon thing in my case

...what kinda summer camp did you go to if they were teachin you to fight the devil?

...yeah its worth a try
and if it turns out to be too much we can stop immediately
I'm not gonna let myself hurt you I promise

oh wow. i'm pretty sure the demon thing just came with the whole. wings, and eyes, and glowy bits.
and i mean, all the. other body changes.
which, like. hell yes??
sometimes i still feel shitty about it but i look so much better than i ever have.

i believe you. and i won't hurt you either.
that's a promise, okay?
we can both stop at any time.

yeah it definitely came with all of that stuff too
it was kind of a two-for-one deal
its definitely got its perks
you shouldnt feel shitty about it though. if you feel better as the devil then hell yeah, who gives a shit

[Jury's still kinda out on Akira. There's a lot of things he likes about this body. He likes the fact that he can actually do things to help Ryo, that he can fight and protect him. But he doesn't like a lot of the caveats, the frustrations and the destructive tendencies that seem to come part and parcel with it.]

you shoulda seen me before I ended up like this
I think I probably weighed like 100 pounds soaking wet

[Too bad he doesn't have pictures.]

youre right
ok
well whenever you wanna have a go at it just let me know
itll be cool to be able to say I've fought with the devil

wow.
i don't think i bulked up or down at all??
it just sort of... went different places.
you know.

and let's do it.
like, right now.

okay maybe not right now.
but i'll definitely hit you up later??
i promise.
as long as i don't forget.

...yeah, I know the feeling

[Because something similar happened with him, just. Y'know.]

oh
ok yeah sure
I'll look forward to it
bc hey it might end up being really fun!

[He'll just be super optimistic about it.]

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im hurt

"so is she," i say while stabbing harder

draws my own knife and plunges it into this conversation

"stop stabbing yourself" i whisper softly

this is long oops

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