Venus ♀ (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
wingstosee) wrote2018-04-12 01:19 pm
wingstosee) wrote2018-04-12 01:19 pm
Entry tags:
ic inbox (reverie)
♀
text / audio / video / action
Is this how I... Wait, is it recording?
Crap.Um- hi! Leave a message? art credit code credit
♀
text / audio / video / action
Is this how I... Wait, is it recording?
Crap.Um- hi! Leave a message? art credit code credit
no subject
she reaches around with her own arms, gently crossing them on erika's back and hugging her close. her own grip is comparatively soft, her fingers resting loose against erika's shirt, and venus thinks- how strange it is, that she came here for her own reassurance and is providing it instead. not that she'd complain. as terrible as it is to say, it's comforting, knowing that the others are hurt and worried just like her. it makes her feel- normal, almost.
she rests her head gently against the side of erika's before bringing her wings in - gently enfolding erika in light and warmth and feathers. she hopes it's not too forward of a move to make like this. ]
no subject
There's pressure between her eyes to start with, anyways, too insistent to put energy into denying. And then Venus' wings happen, and something about that catches Erika so off guard that her mind whirls without an anchor; there's a world out there and a world in here and it's hard to determine who or what exactly that makes her now, except skin over bones over faltering will.
She'd talked with Hinata about dividing productive wants from unproductive wants. She hadn't talked about the motivating factors - tossing out dreams doesn't become easier, but you have more strength to put into it, when the alternative is watching them fester and destroy the world. Wanting to escape when being wanted to recover is the mortar holding your life together. Wanting to live and having to die. Wanting against all logic to go to [that place] and [ALL THE EMPTY WORLD] complying with limbs like ribbons twisting colorlessness tearing tearing down everything that has ever mattered for hollow infinite dreamless hunger.
She wants this world to be safe. She wants to trust it, and doesn't have a choice, because crying happens of its own volition, shivering sniffling jagged-breathing (cathartic) misery.]
Sorry, [she whines into Venus' shoulder between seizing sniffs, arms pulling tighter around her.] 'M sorry, I'm, sorry. I just don't know. Just don't, d-don't know, what I'm doing anymore.
no subject
Oh, jeez.
[ she keeps her wings folded in around erika, and it only gives her a hundred more angles to see her break down from. it's rough. venus is never sure of what to do in these situations, especially while sober; she's just distant enough to be unsure of the right words to say, and just close enough to others that it hurts to see erika like this. so she pauses, and she struggles for words, and she finally says: ]
Shh. It's okay. It's okay, okay? I'm here. You, um... you can cry all you need to.
[ her voice gives out on the last word. oh jeez, she's about to start crying too, huh? she's not sure whether she hates or likes that - she's never been able to cry when she needs to before - but either way, she's pretty sure there aren't any rules against the devil crying.
so she does. ]
no subject
Okay, [she mumbles and/or hiccups after a moment.] Thank you, [after another.]
It's fine, [she sighs between harsh sniffs, sour pit of worry in her gut demanding attention. One hand unclenches and splays flat on Venus' back like a weak reassurance. She doesn't want this to hurt her. She wants to think it won't. She's too cautious to believe there's no chance of it.]
I trust you.
[Saying it feels like vomiting up a rock. She's not sure if it even came out audible, or if there was just an indistinct, meaningless noise. Does the station translate those? If it does, what words fit the intent she didn't speak in the first place? Erika believes in the sincerity of Venus' comfort. That's a hard one to get her head around, to look at head-on.
She sobs only a few times; the fit is mostly sniffs and shivers and stray regretful whimpers muffled into Venus' shoulder.]
I really...don't like crying. [A weary and tiny and wry confession.]
no subject
and then erika is recovered, and venus only needs a minute more herself, so she says through the tears- ]
's better than not doing it.
[ she'd know. testosterone's one hell of a drug - makes you have physical difficulty with it. ]
Are you gonna be okay?
no subject
It's...fine. Erika doesn't know how to be the hugger instead of the huggee, but it's fine.]
I don't know what counts for "okay". [ffffwhoof. She says quickly, and more quiet:] I said that to Hinata and I don't think it helped. Sorry.
no subject
It doesn't have to help. It's just a question. [ her voice is patient and soft. ] I don't really know either. Are you better than before?
no subject
Maybe... [Sniff. Evaluate, messily, through the confusion of crying.] I don't think - I can't tell. All I can think about is the problem. And I still don't know what to do about that. [But: some tangle has come undone. That might be something?
She returns the last, calmer hug - still a bit awkward, and jittery, but it's just easier now - and then disengages, steps back and sits back down on her bedding pile, wiping at her cheeks.] If you want to sit down, [she offers quietly and indirectly, and makes some kind of accompanying gesture.]
no subject
[ she lets erika break away, rubbing at her own eyes (the ones she can reach, at least) and sitting down where the other girl's indicated. her wings bunch together behind her, reaching down to the floor and propping herself up into a lean. ]
I think... I'd like that. Sitting with you, I mean. [ and because it feels weird to just leave it like that, she keeps going. ] It's weird? I still don't really know how you feel about me. But it feels like- maybe, this is okay? If we're sitting together like this.
no subject
She resists the easy-but-unpleasant urge to go stock-still and reels Memetan in by the tail instead, piling the stuffed animal on her lap and petting it absently to ease the jitteriness in her hands. And she listens, feeling painfully, refreshingly cracked open to the elements and also stray sappy sentiments.]
... It's my room. [That comes about as matter-of-fact as anything can in a voice that's still doing weird shit because cry.] It's okay because I say it is.
[And that's all that needs to be said about that.
Speaking of things that are okay because she says so, Erika quickly but quietly gives up on sitting up straight and starts moving to lie down. It's a slow process, deliberately so because her word might be law but she still doesn't want to flop. That's kind of undignified.]
I - mm. I'm bad at talking like this. [Safety disclaimer. Hadn't she said something like that the first time they met? Her eyes stay on the ground.] But I don't, I don't think I know either. I wouldn't - hug you if I disliked you, it's not that kind of "I don't know". It's just - I don't - know how I feel about most people. Or I don't know how to talk about it...I guess.
[...]
I'd cry if you disappeared. Probably a lot.
[Not easy to admit, but not so frustratingly vague as to get caught in her throat completely.]
no subject
[ not that she'd want to. she watches erika lie down from her wings, only moving to mimic her once the other girl's finished. from her new position on the pile - on her side, keeping her cheek propped up with an arm - she listens intently to erika. ]
I'm sort of glad you're not good at it either? Everyone else is usually so much better than me. Haha. [ but that's just an offhand comment, and not at all what she wants to say. she smiles softly, taking care of some residual sniffles as she looks the other girl over. ] I think... I'd cry, too. If you were gone.
[ maybe it's not appropriate. she doesn't really know - she's spent her entire life being the outcast, hugging people too soon after meeting them and overcompensating by shrinking into her own body. but what good is being the devil if you don't do the things you want?
so she reaches forward - slowly, quietly, not wanting to alarm the other girl - until their hands are next to each other. it's a little much to just give, all at once. erika seems like she gets overloaded really easily, after all. but if she can offer it, she wants to. their hands finally brush together, venus's fingertips stopping just as they meet erika's.
her hand's there. it's up to erika to decide what she wants to do with it. ]
no subject
This is a frontierland, raw earth without roads or foundations or rules of any kind. That's nothing new. Picking her way through it with someone else there, watching, picking along with her, that's new. That's what it feels like. She's hyper-aware of Venus' presence, and actions and reactions, but not in the usual way, with her inside her world and everyone else beyond the glass. Venus' eyes are her eyes, and Erika's hand is her hand, and it's kind of like being drunk without being drunk. Maybe she usually spends her post-cry time too alone to notice it.
Erika blinks and stares and thinks and finds that thinking isn't very useful in this situation. The Wormmon in her head is looking up at her with big wet starry eyes. Well, okay, partner - if you say so.
She lays her hand on top of Venus'?????]
...It's not like I'm too stupid to know what friends are or anything. I just haven't made any new ones for, a while. Since elementary school. So. [Not looking at any of the eyes, still.] Everything's different. Rules or no rules, it's not that the rules are different, it's just that things are different. It's different for me in one way, and - no, that's not right. [Closes her eyes in exasperation and coughs to clear her gritty mumbling.] I-it's different for everyone in a different way and, it's fine that that's how it is, I just. Don't know how I'm involved in that. Or I'm not involved in that.
[She shrugs a bit more harshly than her tone of voice deserves to be paired with.]
...Whatever it is, you're...fine. You're part of all of this. Not anything bad, just how life is. What it's like to be the me that's living here. That's not some kind of...[whatever she was about to say right here it can go sit down]...mmh, I think it's positive.
no subject
I think... you can be involved however you want? And- I'm glad you think that. Like, I'm really glad? [ and then, with an awkward laugh and as much brevity as she can muster: ] Maybe someday I'll be definitely positive. Haha.
[ but she doesn't sound upset or regretful - not in the slightest. ]
no subject
She has no idea what she was just talking about, or what thought processes went into what she said. That's the most frustrating part of crying, for her, that different parts of her mind start racing at different speeds and things get lost when they come back down to pace. There's the general shape of the topic, and roughly the flavor of the outcome, but they refuse to go solid. Venus, and how Erika feels about Venus, which is as muddled and many-natured as anything else in the world. Did it go well? It must have. It at least didn't go badly. Venus is still here, physically and otherwise.]
...I won't be happy unless I'm positive too. That's what makes being involved so...hard.
[oh fffffucking hell speaking of which.
Sigh. S i g h.]
I didn't plan on crying on you when I invited you. All told, I'm actually not that messed up about this.
[She opens her eyes for that but has to look at the wings and not the face because, really, if this is "not that messed up" it kind of makes her look bad and that's embarrassing. Please take her word for it?]
no subject
I don't really ever plan on crying? It's only just recently been... a thing for me. It was really hard for me to cry before- [ her voice cuts off, and after a moment she continues quietly. ] You know.
[ the eyes on her wings drop down to meet erika's, looking gently back into them. even if they're easier to look at, they're still a part of venus - that much should be clear. ]
no subject
It's something that - most of the time, it just - makes people feel bad. Once or twice is fine. But I'm tired of hurting people. It doesn't help. I'd rather-
[She breathes out through her nose and - slides her other hand under Venus'. Hand sandwich. Handwich?]
...I wanted to help you. And that would help me.
[Which uhhhhh didn't happen.]
oh my god is this thread set in *june*
[ hand... sandwich?? venus stares down at it with a good half of her hands before bringing her other hand on top of erika's. now it's a doubledecker. ]
You kind of did, though? Sort of. I get it if you don't feel that way though.