wingstosee | ic inbox (reverie)

[...maybe she is less fine than she thought she was.]

I'm sorry.

that's okay.

no it's not. it's not okay?
it's so far from okay it hurts to even think about it.
but i guess it's how things are right now.
akechi says it's probably not, like... actual death.
and i want to believe him?
but it's still someone i'll never get to see again.

I'll ask him about that later.

Yeah. You kind of summed up how this goes. There's not much to say to that that isn't a cheap platitude or something that just makes it worse.

Think about what's still here. Not in a sappy way, unless you want that. Facing forward and staying in the present doesn't make it hurt less but it keeps you out of trouble.

that's probably a good idea.
i don't know if he really knows that? but maybe he's seen something like it before.
who knows.

...hey
thanks for. all of this?
you're a lot better at this than you probably think. haha.
i'm not, like, actively freaking out? so. you did good.

i mean it. thanks.

It's not much use if I don't know how to do it consistently. But thank you.

I'll be in my room most of the day.

doing it sometimes is way better than doing it never.
i mean, my dad says to never half-ass something?
but if it's that or nothing, i kind of always thought half-assing was the better option.

i might come find you later.
if you're okay with that.

I can't argue with that.

Wouldn't have offered if I wasn't.

haha. yeah. fair enough

[ and for about an hour, that's all that she says. right up until she knocks on erika's door. ]

Uh- hey. This is Erika's room, right?

[The answer comes as a near-immediate chirp from Venus' communicator, and if she checks her texts instead of taking it as an affirmative, one that says Yes. It's unlocked.

The pile is still intact and in use, and Erika is, as usual, diverting herself with something very technical-looking.

A few iridescent bubbles hang in the air around the room. Botamon is perched on the desk, producing a lot of froth and the occasional free-floating bubble; if one survives for more than a few seconds, it flaps its ears delightedly. When Venus enters, it stares at her owlishly, vibrating a little trying to meet all her eyes at once.]

Hi.

[Erika doesn't stop typing, in that half-attentive way where she glances aside for a moment and keeps glancing, idly, alternating her focus between examining Venus and finishing whatever it is she's working on.]

[ she opens the door, and- yep. yep, this is erika's room. she could tell from the pile, and the tech, and the weird- thing? on the desk blowing spit bubbles.

her own eyes stare back at botamon, wings unblinking as smiles like the dork she is. ]

Oh my god. It's way cuter in person? [ she doesn't bother commenting on erika's background work. it'd probably be distracting? not that this is any better. hm. ] I kind of want to pick it up. Is that a thing you can do?

[Botamon loses its goddamn shit when it hears "pick it up", bouncing in place and spewing bubbles.]

Sure. It's friendly. [And curious, etc. Erika finally stops what she's doing to watch Venus approach Botamon, and maybe tell it off if it froths in her face too much.]

[ she's going to die. she's going to die from how absolutely adorable this weird... lump of thing? is. she picks it up without a second thought, balancing it delicately in her hands like someone who has Absolutely Never Held a Baby before. ]

Oh my god. [ that's really all she can say, as she looks it in the eye with a few dozen of her own. ] It's beautiful?

[ and then, biting her lip, she says with a dumb grin: ]

You're a beautiful little... thing, aren't you?

[It closes its eyes bashfully! And relaxes, sagging a little into Venus' hands. It's soft all the way through, velvety to the touch and feeling like a thick-skinned bag of jelly.]

It's called a Botamon.

[She can almost image Venus in EDEN...or Kowloon, rather. She'd probably prefer the run-down undercity. Cradling one of Chitose's malware carriers, petting it between the ears.

Alive and well. No threat of imminent death. Not - hers, anyways.

...

Everything is so fucked up.]

Venus?

Yeah?

[ for a moment, the veneer cracks. venus isn't smiling, the stress of the hour showing through all too clearly in the way she flinches- her eyes looking up to erika, wide and panicked. but they relax, almost forcibly, as venus keeps her head pointed towards botamon. she reaches down with a wing, running the joint gently over botamon's head and cooing a bit before responding again. ]

What is it?

[She'd been winding up to feel selfish and guilty. That look jars her. First into uneasiness. Then hesitation. She can't corral the expression that creeps onto her own face, brows pulling together, trying to...read, understand, predict? Searching for some track to take, finding nothing immediately promising.

Something occurs to her then. Sort of a gamble. Helpful, if true.]

Do you - [mnope] Can - [canceled.]

[She fumbles visibly, gaze creeping to the floor and everything else frozen in place. Rolls some words around her mind with slippery hands.]

I changed my mind, [very quiet voice and very quick follow-up,] can I hug you?

[ when erika starts to speak, venus stops- actually stops, listening to what she's saying. and when she asks her question, venus's shoulders sag down, the tension in her finally leaving her completely. ]

...yeah. [ the chipper cheeriness just... drops from her voice. she sounds quiet. tired. like she doesn't know what to sound like ] Yeah. If you're okay with that, I'd- really like that right now.

[She wins the hand and feels like shit.

And - she'd phrased it like that, can I hug you, so Venus is probably expecting her to get up and all that. Erika gets her bony legs under her and stands awkwardly, still holding Memetan. Realizes she's still holding Memetan, two steps forward, and almost trips for realizing it, and lets the stuffed animal drop out of her arms, carrying it by the tail like an afterthought.

She stops a few short steps away, free hand hovering somewhere by her sternum, uncertain, and asking silent last permission of the eyes across Venus' wings with a strained expression.]

[ walking towards her like this, dragging a stuffed animal by the tail, erika seems... tiny? so much smaller than her. she's not really big by any stretch, and erika's not even that much shorter than her, but- she just seems so small right now.

when erika stops, venus does her best to signal that it's okay. she spreads her arms a little, and she offers a small smile, and even if it doesn't look like she's actually happy it's more comforting that way than not. ]

[(The wings make you look way fucking taller, Venus.)

She feels tiny. At the point of wanting comfort without reason, Erika feels small, and frail, and socially stunted, and all the things that she pretends she's not (or at least isn't bothered by) but knows she is, and trying to think it all away leads down an unbreakable loop of logic and illogic. Infinite recursion, overflow, error.

This is not Hinata's problem to worry about. It shouldn't be Venus', but Erika is selfish, and the station keeps turning anyways, somehow.

She walks wordlessly to Venus and wraps her arms jerkily around her back, letting Memetan drop gently behind her feet. (Botamon drops to it from the desk, curious, and too naive to be worried just yet.) That's the hardest, weirdest part of the hug for her, not being this close, but managing her arms - how tight does she want to be hugged? How tight does Erika need to hug her? It's strange, and there's less in the grip of Erika's arms around Venus' ribs than there is in the grip of her fingers in the back of Venus' jumpsuit.

She presses her face to Venus' shoulder and thinks about the phenomenon of not being dead.]

[ venus, for her part, doesn't say anything. she doesn't have to. she may not be the most experienced with stuff like this, but she knows what it feels like - to not have someone to hold when you need it, to be hurting and not have anywhere to put it. if erika's willing to put that in her, she's willing to take it. honored, even.

she reaches around with her own arms, gently crossing them on erika's back and hugging her close. her own grip is comparatively soft, her fingers resting loose against erika's shirt, and venus thinks- how strange it is, that she came here for her own reassurance and is providing it instead. not that she'd complain. as terrible as it is to say, it's comforting, knowing that the others are hurt and worried just like her. it makes her feel- normal, almost.

she rests her head gently against the side of erika's before bringing her wings in - gently enfolding erika in light and warmth and feathers. she hopes it's not too forward of a move to make like this. ]

[She hadn't planned on bringing crying into this.

There's pressure between her eyes to start with, anyways, too insistent to put energy into denying. And then Venus' wings happen, and something about that catches Erika so off guard that her mind whirls without an anchor; there's a world out there and a world in here and it's hard to determine who or what exactly that makes her now, except skin over bones over faltering will.

She'd talked with Hinata about dividing productive wants from unproductive wants. She hadn't talked about the motivating factors - tossing out dreams doesn't become easier, but you have more strength to put into it, when the alternative is watching them fester and destroy the world. Wanting to escape when being wanted to recover is the mortar holding your life together. Wanting to live and having to die. Wanting against all logic to go to [that place] and [ALL THE EMPTY WORLD] complying with limbs like ribbons twisting colorlessness tearing tearing down everything that has ever mattered for hollow infinite dreamless hunger.

She wants this world to be safe. She wants to trust it, and doesn't have a choice, because crying happens of its own volition, shivering sniffling jagged-breathing (cathartic) misery.]

Sorry, [she whines into Venus' shoulder between seizing sniffs, arms pulling tighter around her.] 'M sorry, I'm, sorry. I just don't know. Just don't, d-don't know, what I'm doing anymore.

[ oh, jeez. ]

Oh, jeez.

[ she keeps her wings folded in around erika, and it only gives her a hundred more angles to see her break down from. it's rough. venus is never sure of what to do in these situations, especially while sober; she's just distant enough to be unsure of the right words to say, and just close enough to others that it hurts to see erika like this. so she pauses, and she struggles for words, and she finally says: ]

Shh. It's okay. It's okay, okay? I'm here. You, um... you can cry all you need to.

[ her voice gives out on the last word. oh jeez, she's about to start crying too, huh? she's not sure whether she hates or likes that - she's never been able to cry when she needs to before - but either way, she's pretty sure there aren't any rules against the devil crying.

so she does. ]

[A world of eyes, and Erika's are closed against all of them.]

Okay, [she mumbles and/or hiccups after a moment.] Thank you, [after another.]

It's fine, [she sighs between harsh sniffs, sour pit of worry in her gut demanding attention. One hand unclenches and splays flat on Venus' back like a weak reassurance. She doesn't want this to hurt her. She wants to think it won't. She's too cautious to believe there's no chance of it.]

I trust you.

[Saying it feels like vomiting up a rock. She's not sure if it even came out audible, or if there was just an indistinct, meaningless noise. Does the station translate those? If it does, what words fit the intent she didn't speak in the first place? Erika believes in the sincerity of Venus' comfort. That's a hard one to get her head around, to look at head-on.

She sobs only a few times; the fit is mostly sniffs and shivers and stray regretful whimpers muffled into Venus' shoulder.]

I really...don't like crying. [A weary and tiny and wry confession.]

[ tears leak from a hundred different eyes. what starts as a ragged breath turns into a hiccup, and then venus is gritting her teeth and sniffling and crying too, and when erika says "i trust you" the dam finally breaks. venus hugs her close, tight, trying to hold on to what physical contact she can right now.

and then erika is recovered, and venus only needs a minute more herself, so she says through the tears- ]

's better than not doing it.

[ she'd know. testosterone's one hell of a drug - makes you have physical difficulty with it. ]

Are you gonna be okay?

[She's not sure if she believes that, but she did just announce intent to trust Venus, so her objection melts on her tongue. Tentatively, she leans up and in and gives her a better embrace to work with, now that somehow the tables have turned.

It's...fine. Erika doesn't know how to be the hugger instead of the huggee, but it's fine.]

I don't know what counts for "okay". [ffffwhoof. She says quickly, and more quiet:] I said that to Hinata and I don't think it helped. Sorry.

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oh my god is this thread set in june